Scene I: Penguin Habitat
Skipper: (looking in a mission file laughing) Classic!
Private: Alright there, Skipper?
Skipper: At ease, Private. I was laughing at a little joke in the mission files. (laughs)
Private: Is it a funny one?
Skipper: Oh, yeah!
Private: Well, can I see it, then--(Skipper hides file)
Kowalski: What's classified? (Skipper shows Kowalski the file which makes Kowalski bust out laughing) Ooh, classic!
Private: What? Why does Kowalski get to see it?
Skipper: Well, he's got top-secret clearence. We can't go showing our classified material to just anybody! Rico, you gotta see this!
Rico holding his doll, Skipper shows him the file whic makes him bust out laughing.
Rico: HAHAHAH! Classic!
Private: Rico, too?!? How's that fair?!?
Skipper: Sorry, Private! But some files are too private for a Private.
Private: Well then, perhaps it's time I got a promotion!
Kowalski and Rico gasp, as Rico spins the hair on his doll, covering the doll's face.
Skipper: Let the promotion test begin!
Private: Um, what test?
Skipper: Tonight, you go mono-a-mono with the most fearsome beast in the concrete jungle.
Private: A badger?
Skipper: Exactly—what? No, not a badger! It's a secret, okay? (rubbing his flippers together) A mysterious, and deadly secret!
Kowalski: (to Skipper) He doesn't know what he's saying! Give the boy a chance to back out!
Skipper: Nope! There are no take-backs in this unit! Rico, hit the snooze!
Rico hacks up a gas grenade that sprays knockout gas. Skipper, Kowalski, and Rico put on gas masks as Private gets knocked out by the fumes.
Scene II: Concrete Jungle
- Private: (Wakes up from unconsciousness in the city taped to a dumpster) AAARRGH!
- Skipper: (From distance) Stay frosty, Private! The mystery beast can smell your fear. So can I. (Sniffs air) That is fear, right?
- Private:(Struggles to break free) And I'm supposed to fight this secret beast taped to a dumpster, am I?
- Kowalski: (From distance) No, Rico just thought that would be funny.
- Rico: (From distance) HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE! (Plunger on string sticks to tape, and frees Private)
- Private: (Tape recorder appears) What's this?
- Skipper: (From distance) The Concrete Jungle Survival Guide.
- Kowalski: (From distance) Audio book version! (Private presses play. Kowalski's voice is heard on tape) So you're about to face a beast more horrible than you're worst nightmare.
- Skipper: (on tape) Congratulations, random listener. Let's work on that. (Private presses stop)
- Private: Wait, does this mean you're not coming with me?
- Skipper:(From distance) Well, this is your promotion test, Private. No backup, no supplies. You don't even get to know where you are.
- Mort: I KNOW WHERE WE ARE! (Lemurs appear suddenly) I drawed a map on the way!
- Maurice: You did not! That's a kiddy menu you found in the gutter.
- Mort: (To Private) I live in the hamburger!
- Skipper:(3 penguins appear out of nowhere, Skipper uses brick wall disguise, Kowalski uses fire-hydrant disguise, and Rico uses newspaper pile disguise) What in the name of Custard's mustard?
- King Julien: OH, yes! We're here for the camping out party! I've got my booty all warmed up for the banjo sing-along campfire dancing. Check it out (Shakes bottom, swishes tail around) Yeah, keep checking!--
- Skipper: This ain't no campout, Ringtail!
- King Julien: Yeah? Then how come you got a fire-plug poncho, and a dress made out of arts and crafts supplies (Messes with Rico's newspaper disguse)
- Rico: HEY!
- Kowalski: This is standard-issue urban jungle camouflage!
- King Julien: Uh-huh! So...(Gets banjo)...Who wants to sing the kum-bi-yahs til' the sun comes up?
- Skipper: No kum-bi-yahs! This is Penguin vs. Nature. Private's lucky if he lives to see another sunrise!
- Private: Sorry?
- Skipper: It's a rite-of-passage, Private. If everybody survived, it would be a...Err...Kowalski? Clever turn-of-phrase options?
- Kowalski: A wrong-of-passage. (Snickers as comedy drum-beat plays)
- King Julien: Fine, see if I care. But you'll miss some happy camping, my friend. (Lemurs leave)
- Skipper: 27 minutes til' midnight, Private. You better play that tape before the beast goes on the prowl.
- Private:(Looks behind) Less than half an hour? How am I supposed to--(3 penguins disappear, Private groans)
- Tape: Kowalski: Key 1 to defeating the beast: Surveillance, binoculars, anything to track your enemy's movememts.
- Private: Ooh...(Finds trash pile, rummages around, moves 3D glasses, finds old glasses, pops the lenses out, finds paper towl tube, and places 2 glass lenses in each side) Instant telescope. (Looks through, sees King Julien's eye) AARGH!
- King Julien: (Grabs Private's telescope) Thank you, dumpy penguin. You see, Mort, in camping, you can build a fire with nothing but...Er...pirate looky tube.
- Maurice: Don't you need sunlight for that?
- King Julien: Why would I need sunlight to do this...(Smacks telescope on firewood) MAKE...FIRE...NOW...YOU...LOOKY...TUBE! (Tries warming bottom up, but sees that there is no fire) This one's defective. (Hands Private battered telescope)
- Tape: Skipper: Key 2: Camouflage. If the beast can't see you, he can't hurt you.
- Private: (Grabs newspaper) Okay, how did Rico make his newspaper disguise--(Gets scared by King Julien suddenly appearing again)
- King Julien: Arts and Crafts supplies! (Grabs newspaper, folds it into an oragami hat)
- Private: What are you doing?
- King Julien: (Wearing oragami hat) Check it out! King Julien crossing the Delaware Avenue, right? (Stands on baby stroller with American flag, Maurice and Mort holding sticks, and use them to move stroller like the Delaware Avenue)
- Tape: Kowalski: Key 3: Weapons. You'll need some.
- Private: WELL, OBVIOUSLY!!! (Rummages in garbage, finds string attached to a little stick) Perhaps a whip! O-Or, I can make a bow and arrow--(King Julien appears yet again and takes Private's string)
- King Julien: Banjo string! (Places string in banjo)
- King Julien/Maurice/Mort: (King Julien plays banjo, singing) Julien is the king of the ocean...
- King Julien: Stay on key, Mort!
- Private: (To Lemurs) Ugh, Will you stop that?!? I need that string! It's nearly midnight! And I've gotta face some horrible--(Surprised when Skipper comes out from camouflage)
- Skipper: Private! This is how you prepare for the fight of your life?
- Private: NO! I W-W-W-W-WASN'T!
- Skipper: Kowalski, commondere that banjo! (Kowalski grabs King Julien's banjo) Ready or not, Private, it's time to meet the enemy! And since you like banjo music so much, we're gonna do it...in SONG!
- Private:...So the bus is haunted, and you want me to fight it? A bus?
- Kowalski : And come home with a nifty souvenir to prove it.
- Skipper: That'll put some feathers on your chest, a'?
- Private: Um, I don't think I care about that classified joke anymore.
- Skipper: Good hunting, Private. If all goes well, we'll see you alive at dawn. Of course with the pre-mentioned souvenir in hand.
- Kowalski: And if not...Well...(Sobs)...You'll be-You'll be fine. (All 3 leave)
- Private: B-But I'm not ready! (Whimpers in fear) Anymore advice, Survival Guide Audio Book? (Presses play)
- Tape: Skipper: This recording will self-destruct...right now!
- Rico: BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! (Smashes tape recorder with bat)...Good luck! (Leaves)
Scene III: Street
- Private: (Alone in the street) Here, bus... Here, bussy, bussy! Please be a nice haunted bus--(Fishing reel catches wall) WAAH!
- Mort: (Lemurs fishing in the sewers) I CAUGHT A WALL, YAY!
- Private: What're you doing in the street?
- King Julien: Obviously, we are sewer fishing, duh!
- Private: But, the Graveyard Eight!
- King Julien: The Grave-jah what now?
- Private: The haunted bus that runs over animals!
- King Julien: Err...Never heard of it. Perhaps if you gave it a catchy jingle, or perhaps a there song. (Private hears bus coming)
- Private: LOOK OUT!
- Maurice: SSH! I'm in my fishing zone.
- King Julien: Really? If I'm not catching jack-a-doodly with this worthless fishy-thing--(Private pushes King Julien down before he gets hit by the bus, Fishing reel catches bus)
- King Julien: Ah-HAH! I have caught something! (Bus pulls all lemurs with it, impact tangles them all in the fishing line)
- Private: (Gasps) No! This is your test, Private! (Grabs fishing pole, persues bus, lemurs screaming in fear, Private hops from building to building still chasing bus, then jumps off ledge, uses fishing line to cling to a streelight, swings, and lands on top of bus) YES--(Gets hit by streetlight, and falls onto the back of the bus where the lemurs are, Lemurs continue screaming)
- Private: Hang on! I think I can get you free!
- King Julien: No-no! I know this camptime activity. Only way to untangle is to work as a team! So everybody shut it, and I will be the team! (Struggles to break free)
- Mort: (King Julien's foot steps on his head) OOOH, the foot is in my face...
- King Julien: (Breaks free) Ha-HA! I did it!
- Maurice: (Both him and Mort are even MORE tangled) Goody for you.
- Private: We just need something to cut the line! (Looks at back window) Just hang on! I'll be back. (Squeezes self through window, pops out inside bus)
- Unknown Mysterious Voice: 5th Ave., Washington Square! (Private looks around, sees driver's seat)
- Private: (Gasps) No driver!
- King Julien: (Appears inside bus) I know, spooky, right? (Both scream) Hahah! I thought this is where we steal the other camp's mascout!
- Private: WHAT?!? ARE YOU COMPLETELY—WE ARE NOT CAMPING!!!!!!!
- King Julien: Oooh, somebody's working on his sourpuss grumpy grouch activity badge! (Laughs) It's you, by the way.
- Private: GRRRRRGH! Just find something to cut the fishing line!
181 00:08:58,084 --> 00:08:59,284 Sharp, pointy?
182 00:08:59,352 --> 00:09:00,003 Perfect.
183 00:09:02,621 --> 00:09:03,741 Aah!
184 00:09:03,789 --> 00:09:05,357 Ha ha, located!
185 00:09:05,424 --> 00:09:08,126 I found something sharp and pointy!
186 00:09:08,194 --> 00:09:09,095 I win!
187 00:09:10,762 --> 00:09:11,829 Ah!
188 00:09:11,897 --> 00:09:14,465 Ah... Wha... Oh!
189 00:09:14,532 --> 00:09:16,033 Oof!
190 00:09:16,401 --> 00:09:19,169 We have to hurry, Julien, before the Graveyard Eight
191 00:09:19,237 --> 00:09:21,037 claims Maurice and Mort forever!
192 00:09:21,205 --> 00:09:23,040 And yet here you are, talking, talking, talking
193 00:09:23,108 --> 00:09:24,641 and doing nothing, nothing, nothing.
194 00:09:24,709 --> 00:09:27,477 But there's still one part of the bus I haven't searched yet.
195 00:09:27,545 --> 00:09:29,542 Seventh Avenue.
196 00:09:38,588 --> 00:09:39,356 Ya-ha!
197 00:09:40,424 --> 00:09:42,825 No pets on the bus.
198 00:09:42,893 --> 00:09:43,826 Oof!
199 00:09:43,894 --> 00:09:44,860 Wha-ah-ah!
200 00:09:52,434 --> 00:09:54,502 Again, again!
201 00:09:57,640 --> 00:09:59,375 Sharp and pointy!
202 00:10:01,843 --> 00:10:02,810 Oh!
203 00:10:03,978 --> 00:10:04,211 Whoa!
204 00:10:04,279 --> 00:10:05,212 Come on!
205 00:10:05,280 --> 00:10:06,750 I love camping!
206 00:10:09,518 --> 00:10:10,485 Jump!
207 00:10:14,856 --> 00:10:16,323 Hooray for the Private!
208 00:10:16,391 --> 00:10:17,658 Amazing!
209 00:10:17,725 --> 00:10:19,561 Yeah, that was pretty good.
210 00:10:20,628 --> 00:10:22,763 Kowalski, promotion analysis.
211 00:10:22,830 --> 00:10:25,999 Private risked his own safety to free helpless captives
212 00:10:26,067 --> 00:10:27,534 from a demonic bus.
213 00:10:27,581 --> 00:10:30,637 That's plus 17 points.
214 00:10:30,704 --> 00:10:32,105 They were all lemurs.
215 00:10:32,173 --> 00:10:33,273 Minus 20.
216 00:10:33,273 --> 00:10:36,209 But he did bring back one primo souvenir.
217 00:10:36,229 --> 00:10:39,178 Well, congratulations, young Private!
218 00:10:39,245 --> 00:10:41,582 You've been promoted to Private.
219 00:10:42,949 --> 00:10:44,584 First class.
220 00:10:47,721 --> 00:10:51,022 Of course, we'll still call you Private. First Class is implied.
221 00:10:51,090 --> 00:10:53,792 Enjoy your classified joke access.
222 00:10:58,762 --> 00:10:59,730 I don't get it.