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Scene I

What a beautiful day, huh? I'd say borderline glorious, Marlene! It's days like these that I-- What, what is-- What, what is-- Is this ambush, boys, or an invitation to tea time? Sorry, Skipper, we just can't get the drop on you. Don't tell me. You asked them to attack you? Got to stay frosty, Marlene. Dance with Lady Chaos as many times as I have, you can never tell when or where--

Marlene: Look out!

(A bunch of darts shoot a tree when Marlene pushes Skipper away)

Skipper: Now that's what I'm talking about. Kowalski, you almost had me.

Kowalski: Yeah, those darts weren't mine.

Skipper: Ooh, my mistake, top notch work there Private.

Private: Not mine either, Skipper.

Skipper: Really? Then Rico.

Rico: Don't know.

Skipper: Well then who?

(A clapping sound can be heard)

Skipper: That clapping...I know that icy cold clapping.

(A montage of a puffin can be seen. It was a flashback from Denmark.)

???: Ah, Skipper, all these years and you haven't missed a step.

Skipper: Hans! What are doing here?

Hans: I came to see you, my old foe.

Marlene: Uh, guys, who's the duck?

Skipper: Marlene, meet Hans. Deadliest puffin of all of Denmark.

Puffins are deadly? Deadly, two-faced, treacherous! They can't be trusted. Oh, Skipper, please. I've come to say I'm sorry about the Copenhagen incident. It was my bad! Your bad made me Denmark's public enemy number-one! You're the reason Skipper can't go to Denmark? Oh, why dwell on the past? Can we not be friends now? Friends? Ugh! Yes, friends. Chums, palsy-walsies! I would be honoured to be a guest in your home. Oh, lovely! We can host a get-to-know-you barbecue! (Babbling) We'll invite everyone in the zoo, and wear festive hats! Oh, I'll bring the clams! I like festive hats, and clams! (Popping) I will never, ever, ever be palsy-walsies with that puffin. So, what was it that happened in Denmark, anyway? Oh, it is such a long story, with so many twists and chases and explosions, ha, ha! You wouldn't be interested! No, I would! Really! (Knocking) Skipper, I have brought you a hand-drawn greeting card! It says, "Roses are red. Posies are green. Sorry about Denmark. I was too mean! Your pal, Hans. " (Shredding) I also brought flowers! I also brought flowers! (Explosion) And homemade Danishes. Come now, Skipper. Treat yourself! Hmph! No sense in these going to waste! Skipper, give Hans a chance. He just wants to be your pal. Marlene, I don't know what that sick seabird wants, but it ain't friendship. Are you sure, Skipper? I mean, his Danishes are delicious. Mmm, pass me another puffin muffin! Oh, don't eat the puffin's puff pastries! They're evil! A bit rich, maybe, but evil seems a trifle-- ow! Skipper, your deep-seated paranoia is understandable, even admirable. But I believe science can show us it is wrong. Here is a pie chart of gifts one might give to a friend. Cards, flowers, pastries, and of course, pie. Yum! On the other hand, here are things one might give to an enemy. Wedgies, contagious viruses, flaming sacks of doo-doo, and of course, poisoned pie. Not yum! Given the evidence, we must conclude Hans's friendship overtures are indeed sincere. Come on, you can do this, Skipper. Grr! Fine. I still smell double-cross. Shh! Hans, Skipper has something he'd like to say to you. Okay. I extend to you my flipper in friendship. Can I go now? I never thought I'd see the day. Please, Skipper. Take this gift as a token of my gratitude. Well, thank you, Hans. I don't really know what to say. Ahh! Come on, the exploding rope bomb? You didn't see that coming? And this is why we never forgive and forget! Hmm! Uh, what's going on over there? Hmm, someone is sacrificing penguins to the volcano. Eh, these things happen. Whoa! Ugh! Hans, it's a fake volcano. There's no lava down here. Oh, I had no plans to fry you, Skipper. I only need this phoney-baloney volcano to hold you-- (Chewing) -- in which time, I will complete my-- ahh! Stop that puffin! MARLENE: Um, hello? Guys? Guys? (Grunting) No good! He's locked us out! (Splashing) Ah, Skipper, this is the perfect revenge. perfect revenge. In the heart of one of the largest cities on Earth, with all your weapons at my wing tips! Do you know what I can do? He can help animals in trouble, just like we do! Oh, sure, Private. And then, he'll fly away on his magic unicorns, spreading rainbows and pixie dust wherever he goes! Hans has a magic unicorn? Oh, I guess not. Oh, I guess not. All clear. (Dialling) (Beeping) Hans will never see this coming. No one knows about our secret entrance but us. Right you are, young Private. And nobody knows about our intricate booby traps. Nobody could possibly get past them. Not even us! Oh, wait! Ahh! Ahh! Ahhh! Ahhh! Oh! (Explosion) Okay, we can't get to Hans. So, we'll just turn up the heat. Hmm, where to begin? The orbital death ray? Nah! Hmm. Hot enough for you, Hans? Kowalski, right now the temperature in that lair is sweltering with a high chance of back sweat! No seabird can withstand that magnitude of mugginess! All we have to do is wait till Hans flees, and then grab him! Roger that! I'll see you topside! Oh! That was a Christmas present! Any moment now, we'll grab Hans. Any moment. Here it comes. Get ready. Run, Skipper, run! (Laughing) (Laughing) She's going to blow! Just wait. Just wait. So, we finish it with fish. Just like Denmark. (Screaming) (Screaming) Ahhh! You cannot win, Skipper! I am fuelled by a boiling head, a raging fury-- And a babbling beak! You should know that I kissed your sister on the lips! I don't have a sister. And if I did, she wouldn't have lips. Really? Then, who did I kiss? Ahhh! Don't even think about it, Hans. Your cold-blooded vengeance spree ends here. (Crying) Hey, are you-- you're not crying, are you? No, no, no. I just have a little, um-- (Crying) What is to become of Hans the puffin now? I have no home! No home? The Danes finally caught on to me and my devilish schemes, and they banned me from my own home! So, that's why you took my H. Q. It wasn't revenge? Oh, there was a little revenge, but it was mostly because I have nowhere to go! I am a puffin without a perch! Hans, I think I know what you need. need. Yeah, I'm here to pick up a transfer for the Hoboken Zoo. Yes, we will load it right away. How about this weather? Hot enough for you? So, this Hoboken Zoo. It is nice? I'll be honest with you, Hans. It's a disease-riddled cesspool! (Laughing) I get the 5-day forecast, but do we need the 10-day? What are they, fortune-tellers? Okay, you're all set. Right, see you later. Freak. Freak. Well, that wraps up that chapter of my life in a nice, little bow. Except I still don't know what happened in Denmark! Oh, young Private, that's between me, Hans and the Danes. Get your own secret life! Hey, guys! Still trapped in here!

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