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Scene I - Penguin Habitat[]
(The penguins are doing cute things to show off for a school group watching them.)
Skipper: Alright, boys. That's enough for this school group.
Private: Shouldn't we finish the routine?
Skipper: Always leave them wanting more.
Alice: (Bored tone) The penguin is native to Antarctica.
Smart Boy: Did you know, a group of penguin is called a rookery?
Alice: (Bored tone) It's a bird but it doesn't fly.
Smart Boy: Did you know penguins can swim 15 miles an hour?
Skipper: Keep an eye on Johnny smart glasses. The boy knows too much. (Rico prepares to hit the boy with a bat.) Not yet. I want to know where he gets his intel.
Smart Boy: Did you know the only way to tell boy penguins from girl penguins is a DNA test, huh?
Skipper: Never-mind, boys. The kid is off his wing nut. Like we need some DNA test to tell us we're 100% antarctic macho.
Alice: Listen, kid. All I know is we've got three males and a female. The birds know which is which?
Scene II - Penguin HQ[]
(Each of the penguins spit into a cup.)
Skipper: (With invention) That's how a real man gives a DNA sample. Am I right?
Private: That's Alice, she doesn't know what she's talking about.
Kowalski: Clearly. But don't worry. This DNA analyzer will establish once and for all our macho manly man machismo.
(The machine draws a plus above Rico's cup.)
Kowalski: Plus. That's a male result for Rico.
(The machine draws a plus above Private's cup.)
Kowalski: Plus. Private is a male too.
Private: YAY!!
(The machine draws a plus above Kowalski's cup.)
Kowalski: I am also a plus. Obviously.
Skipper: And a big old plus sign for me.
(The machine draws a minus above Skipper's cup.)
Skipper: Well, that's that.
(Kowalski tries to hide the results from Skipper.)
Skipper: What? You have never seen a plus sign so large and manly? How about that local sports team? Stand down, Kowalski. (Tries to get Kowalski off the machine.) Let me-
Kowalski: No, Skipper!
Skipper: Get off! (Pries Kowalski off and notices minus.) Minus?!?
Kowalski: Skipper, it appears, Alice was right. We do have one female and... It's you.
Private: (Starts giggling) Sorry.
Skipper: No. Wrong. Double wrong. Wrong infinity. There's no way I'm a female.
Kowalski: Alright, what you're experiencing are the five stages of grief. Right now you're in stage one: denial.
Skipper: I am not. All I'm saying is your stupid machine is wrong.
Kowalski: Well, it's based on scientific-
Skipper: And science is wrong. And you're wrong. Everybody is wrong but me. I demand a different test.
Kowalski: I'm not sure it's going to be as accurate as-
Skipper: Just do it, man.
(Later)
Kowalski: (Standing in front of drawing.) Take your time, Skipper. There's no right or wrong answer.
(Skipper had placed the pin on the unicorn instead of the monster truck.)
Kowalski: Madam?
Skipper: LIES!! (Throws drawing at the wall.)
Kowalski: I see we're in stage two: anger. Next we should see bargaining.
Skipper: Private. How's about we trade DNA results? Come on.
Private: Skipper, I don't think that's help.
Kowalski: Depression.
Skipper: (Falls over to floor.) My life is over. It's over. It's over, over, over.
Kowalski: And finally acceptance.
Skipper: (Stands up.) Well, I guess you have to play the hand you're dealt. Rico, hit me with a pretty pink bow. (Rico regurgitates bow onto Skipper's head.) Let's move out, gentlemen.
Kowalski: But you're-
Skipper: Sure. We moved past that, Kowalski. This doesn't change a thing about our operation. Now come on. We have a full mission schedule.
Scene III - Monkey Habitat[]
Kowalski: All right. We'll start with an easy one. Massive simian hair clog in a chimp habitat drainage system.
Skipper: Rico, demolition.
(Rico regurgitates a bomb. It blows up, and the clog is un-clogged.)
Scene IV - Sewers[]
Kowalski: Recover stolen zoovenirs shop merchandise from sewer rats. Check.
(The penguins are being chased by the rats.) Now a hasty escape and- Skipper, what are you doing?
(There is a door, but Skipper has stopped and is just standing in front of it.)
Skipper: Come on. (Beckoning to door.) Lady, door. What, is chivalry dead?
(Private quickly opens the door. Skipper goes through, followed by Kowalski and Rico. But Private is too late, the rats grab him and drag him off.)
Scene V - The Zoo[]
(The penguins are riding through the zoo on their car.)
Skipper: What's the holdup?
Kowalski: Hang in there, Skipper. (Studying zoo brochure.) I'm sure the zoo must have a ladies room somewhere. I just... never really paid attention before.
Skipper: You know, we can just stop and ask for directions.
(Later)
Skipper: What is happening to me? Curse you, DNA!
Scene - Lemur Habitat[]
King Jullien: Maurice. Why is that penguin wearing a pretty pink bow on his head and shouting at the sky spirits? And also I have a follow-up, how come I don't have a pretty pink bow? Okay I am bored for a question already like, where is my smoothe?
Maurice: It's coming, your highness. Looks like we just got to give the blender a second to warm up and-
King Jullien: The second is too slow. (Presses a few blender buttons.) Okay, not working. Let us move to plan H.
Maurice: Don't you mean plan B?
King Jullien: No-no, plans B through G are much too ridiculously dangerous. Plan H Is that Mort goes down to the under the ground electrically power cables and doesn't come out until the smoothe machine works again.
Mort: I like plan H! (Jumps into hole with power cables.)
King Jullien: Good, Mort. Now start pulling things out of other things and put them into new things. I'm sure it will work itself out.
Mort: Okay!
Scene - Penguin HQ[]
Skipper: In light of events, I feel I can no longer serve in this unit.
Private: Well, I don't-
Kowalski: No-
Private: Yes, actually...
Kowalski: Probably, sure.
Rico: Yup.
Private: But, Skipper, where will you go?
Skipper: On an epic quest, old friend. I'm walking out of here a confused, naive little girl. And I'm not coming back until I've learned to be a real woman!
Scene - Otter Habitat[]
So I think we start with the basic princess theory Then after that fine art of eyelash batting. I'm sorry. You're a girl? Open your mind, sister. I'm here for help. Being a girl which I guess you are Exactly. Exactly I need you to teach me all the girly stuff You know, like makeovers and poodle skirts. That's your idea of girl stuff? What? It's more about lip gloss these days? Big problemo, sister, I got no lips. Skipper, if you're girl, then girl stuff is whatever you like doing. If you're in to the commando thing being a girl doesn't change that. Of course not. It just means now I'm not good at it. Now, pass me some chiffon, dollface. I got a hankering to sew me some curtains. Shouldn't you be looking into that? Land sakes, no. That sounded dangerous. How about we stay here and gossip about boys. Hey, that's no way to treat a lady. Save the king! The others are optional. Oh, sparkly. Those are live electrical wires. Hang on, your majesty. Oh, now how is that even possible? Those lemurs are in trouble and there is no one else here to save them. So, what are you going to do about it, girlfriend? I I should, but girl cant It's all right, ladies. We have got this one Oh, well, if the boys are already taking care of it Come on sister, let's make pink lemonade. They will be thirsty after a good rescue. Wait. What if Marlene's angry face is right? Those lemurs need an organized rescue team. And the team needs a Skipper. Maybe Just maybe Don't worry, girls. Everything is still under control. Friends in trouble, danger growing, commando mojo returning. My butt frying. Come on, Skipper, you can still do this. It's time to show those guys what girls are really made of. Pretty pink bow. there is something different about that one. That That was One hundred percent girl awesome! You know what, it really was! Up high, sister. Eh, skipper. We don't quite know how to say this, but, wel even as a female you're still the machoest manly man I know. I would be honored to take orders from a girl. The honor is all mine, boys. Okay, very touching. But none of this fixes my smoothe maker. Why are you so powerless? Powerless, uh? Something must have overloaded the circuit. What could have drawn so much electricity that Of course. A blown fuse. Well, let's just swap that out and Just as I suspected. The DNA analyzer was a power hog. I knew I shouldn't have included the optional beak shiner. Skipper, look. The female minus was really an unfinished male plus. What violence and mayhem. I'm a real boy after all. Yes! Well done, yes. Alright, alright. Thank you. But I would like to think we've all learned a valuable lesson today. Boy, girl All that really matters is how well you use a pink bow whip in a crisis situation. Oh wait. It's I don't think that was really the lesson, I But how could Alice have been so wrong about there being a girl penguin? Ah, she's a mammal. Everyone knows they are all morons. What! We'll work on that one tomorrow.
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